Still Confused

It's been 2 years, two long years since I graduated from high school. Actually, almost three, because I'm supposed to be in third year now.. I'm taking up BS Nursing, in Philippine Women's University, and currently a sophomore. But still, there's something(or a lot of things) that hold(s) me back.

I vividly remember my senior year in high school. I knew what I wanted to take up: Bachelor of Science, Major in Accountancy. I'm not good at math, but I know this course isn't all about Mathematics. And I am ready to take risks and accept the challenges that await me.

However, my mom wanted me to take up Nursing. She had all the reasons: a better life, and she knew what is it like to be an accountant, because she is one. She used to work for Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas, by the way.

She thought I'd be better off being an RN. She actually managed to persuade me, obviously. But there are times that still make me wonder if I am on the right path, and those times are getting more often each passing day.

I'm now taking up Health Care II, and my fears are already coming to haunt me. I was afraid of being an RN, mainly because I was afraid I'd take people's lives, instead of saving them.. I admit, I'm not much of a caregiver. Distraction gets me so easily, and being an RN requires much of that focus. Extra focus, I must say. Shifting(of duty) is also a problem. I was never good at being punctual. In an office, an employee can afford to be late(at least), but in the hospital, an RN must always arrive on or before her shift. And I wasn't called by the nursing profession in the first place. The numbers attracted me. To be honest, they did since I was 11, about the same time I realized that I liked the Mavs.

When I was a senior in high school, I remember, I knew I was supposed to study in the States. I was still undecided. I wanted to take up Accountancy, or Civil Engineering. Yes, that was my second choice, CE. Upon knowing that I'd go to the States, I didn't bother taking entrance exams. But I was envious of my classmates, who were all so busy reviewing and filling up forms from different coleges and universities. So I told my mom, at least let me take an entrance exam, even from just one school. I firmly insisted on taking up an entrance exam in Ateneo de Manila University, since I didn't make it to the deadline of submission of forms for the University of the Philippines. My mom said Ateneo's too far(I live in Las Pinas), so she said I'd better take the exam for De La Salle University in Taft Avenue, Manila. So I filled up the form, I chose BS Accountancy first, Civil Engineering next. I took the entrance exam, but of course I didn't bother to study(haha). I don't know, maybe I was feeling too conceited. Haha! I failed! Nah, just kidding. I passed the exam, but I guess I didn't make the quota for Accountancy, so they decided to put me in Civil Engineering. Damn! I liked Accountancy, but CE? Not so much. Hahaha. Well, I knew this really wouldn't be my course, so I set it aside and sighed to myself. *sigh*

My mom, she wanted me to be an RN. So anyway, I went to the States. I was still undecided up to that point. After inquiring in many colleges and universities around in CA, I made the decision not to pursue my studies in there anymore, mainly because I think the fees were too expensive. Education in the Philippines isn't bad, actually, so why spend a lot of money in a foreign country when you can get quality education in your homeland? So anyway, I returned to the Philippines four months later(not to mention, bigger and fatter! hahaha). It was January 2007. My cousin, who's an alumnus of my current school. She said that the university accepts late enrollees, so I can start my BSN studies right away. My mom, of course, agreed with her, and told me she would let me transfer to a new school in June.

I met a new set of friends in PWU, and they were real persons. They weren't so maarte and sosyal so that made me feel comfortable. Well, I actually had a friend, well, who's just an heiress of a mining company. Wow. Who would've thought someone like her studied in PWU? And I also had a friend whose father is co-owner of a local fast food chain. Her dad was the company's VP. And, the company is big(I just wouldn't mention what it is.. hehe), and both of them were down to earth persons. They were real friends. Now, I don't see them much anymore. But my new set of friends are as good as anyone could ever have. We help each other, laugh together, and go through hardships together. Sometimes thee's a misunderstanding, but we solve it right away.

Anyway, I still AM undecided. Up to this point. I wanted to shift to another course, and transfer to another school. But there are things that holde me back. Friends, time already spent, not to mention the money spent, and of course my mom's decision. I've told her about this, and well, we'll talk about it when she gets home next week.

First things first: she must allow me first to shift, then finding a school is secondary. I have San Beda and University of Santo Tomas as my choices. Maybe I'll try out for La Salle again, and this timt I'll browse my notes(haha).

Goodluck to me!

I know God understands me, and He knows what's best. If becoming an RN is meant for me, then let it be. My mom will refuse my proposal, I know that's the sign. I just have to face my fears, and concentrate on my current course. But if it is NOT, then.. We'll see.

For God's Greater Glory, Amen.

God Bless you all.